Another OC Talk After Two Contradictory Posts
My last two posts have been insane. One, extremely sugarcoating and romanticizing art situation, convincing myself that everyone else doesn't matter. Then, the other one, written in verge of mental breakdown. Calling myself names, paradoxically pointing out the desire to give up.
(Out of curiosity, I translated my own blog post using Google, Indonesian to English. Funny because the subjects/pronouns are all wrong.)
Yesterday I watched a video. A discussion about Polyamory, I do like he had nuanced opinion, although when looking at his other videos, I feel rather skeptical about the YouTuber lol. In this video, he highlighted that non-monogamous crowd often put pleasuring oneself above humanity. The example was the Reddit comment that telling OP to go to another partner's arrangement although her husband was hospitalized. "She doesn't stop being human with needs while her husband is healing" is an insane take.
I feel like walking on eggshells around radical acceptance people, so I agree with "If your gut tells it's wrong, then listen,".
Back to discussing OCs as usual, probably the reason I'm in dilemma for many years, because me and my OCs have deranged mindset. Admittedly it's a strange thing to reflect on the state of my brain, based off the way I abuse Charlie in particular. My subconscious has this belief, "I can't satisfy my partner, so they can seek other people to fulfill their needs". Translated to how Alaric and Charlie chased other characters to complete perceived gap in their dynamic. Alas, jealousy is a real thing even for imaginary folks, hence dramas upon dramas.
Alaric has more self-awareness, he immediately realized the motivation behind his desire to mold Charlie into ideal "partner". If I call Alaric "loyal", I don't think he is, he abandoned Charlie few times already. Look at OC Gallery 2021, it only has 1 single drawing, Alaric was with someone else during said year. But Alaric always reaches out to his boyo y'know, coaxing Charlie out from misery. That's Al's redeeming quality.
For Charlie... I'm not sure. He calmed down, usually he fries my nervous system by being anxious all the time. Charlie had lost his sense of identity, he wants to disappear and never be touched by his damned Author and beloved Alaric. Honestly, Charlie's role in my life is comparable to being an "Alter Ego". He scolds my bad decisions, writing down all my expenses, breaking down tasks.. Big brother I never have. Since "masculine-presenting" is extremely important for his overall vibe, but also Charlie himself wants to accommodate our impossible wishes, he's torn apart.
Is it selfish to ask our beloved partner to satisfy every desires? Even parents won't give their child everything even if the child is whining. I know one in real life, the child who always cries and whines compared to his peers. Definitely pampered. As adult? Gah damn.
"Yuuya, you're definitely scary as in-law," Perhaps...
Suddenly I remember another topic I watched during yesterday's YouTube doom-scrolling session. The stay-at-home girlfriend phenomenon. A commenter said that these naive girls will turn into a mother who projects her aspirations and desire to succeed onto her child. They accomplish none! More accurately, the commenter said she will expect her child to provide her needs in same way, but I interpreted it like that.
..Tangents, yeah. Let's see where my OC conflicts ended up.