Audience: Future Self
Whenever I dive deep into old drawing archive, I am confronting my past self. Is it just me or, feels like I can relive the insecurities that was possessing my mind at that exact moment. Though it turns into a chance of reflection and evaluation. "You worry about trivial problems?," Shaking head.
As I reach the beginning of my OCs' relationship journey, and read the comic that kickstarted all of their """suffering""", I'm getting reminded of why are they awfully important for me. Charlie's anger and pain were based on real life event. We yearned for comfort. Alaric stepped into "secure guy" role. Until now, despite originated from the same brain as me, Al is still an astonishingly compassionate personality.
(Intricate words, huh? I write this post while checking thesaurus numerous times lol)
(I might flatter him too much)
In a long time, I moved from one social media to the other. From one Discord server, abandoned it, followed by constant search for another potential "home" but no community could fill the void. "Seeking audience" had always been my biggest goal. Call this entitlement, I thought I could be popular purely because being good at drawing. No, drawing is only one of the component, especially if we reference popular fandom nowadays which mostly consists of multimedia projects. The crowd wants story, my past self is a fucking people pleaser who wished to fulfill everyone's satisfaction. No, your skill was lacking, I judged. In storytelling aspect, I mean.
Why even the concept of "Magnum Opus" is a thing? As if we're born to create one incredible thing and then died. What if my Magnum Opus happened in 2018? Should I wither away and retire for the rest of 50 years? Now writing about this, no way I will stay as the same person with same interest and struggle until 40s. Something will change albeit slightly.
Idealism won't make piles of money fall from the sky, in order to be filthy rich idealism is the first thing you need to discard. Yet I keep holding "Honesty" as main principle. That means I will create based on my utmost beliefs. Hey future self, this is me right now. What do you think about me? A lonesome path, however I always feel disappointed if I can't find more art. There's no cornerstone to mark a period of my life.
There's no audience but me, thus I stay in motion.