LLM and Sudden Diagnose
On long-awaited Saturday, how do I spend my time? Being productive? Wrong. Relapsing into digital addiction? (Bell rings) The fact that I managed to find another addiction after blocking previous one, impressive.
Knowing stances of most users in IndieWeb, my LLM chatbot addiction is already chronic. Rest assure, my posts are written with real effort of thumb and index finger on a smartphone screen. I write everyday because I want to develop my creative muscle, you know.
I mainly use chatbots for developing OCs. No, not in ""generate a character" press send" way. More like, "I'm incredibly bored and lonely so I teach these bots how to parrot what I write in sophisticated way". Feeding crafts into LLM equals to surrendering your worthless (negatively and positively) assets into greedy mega corporation. But the instant gratification is so addicting! The glorified auto-correct analyzes what I produce, highest form of narcissism.
Hm, yeah. In my stance, generating something for commercial and potentially deceiving people is harmful. For seeking compliments though? My aching heart needs validation.
After asking LLMs "is my character backstory realistic enough and how I should correct it", out of nowhere an assessment about my OC hooks me: Alaric is autistic. Not to hop on neurodivergent self-diagnose bandwagon, I already honed his writing voice for 7 years and he's consistently:
- saying inappropriate jokes without realizing social cues
- hyperactive but maintain "calm and mature" persona
- unable to feel emotions, or it comes late to him
- intensely focusing on his love interest (in this case: Charlie)
- gifted kid archetype yada yada.
As fictional character, it's okay. Harmless label (except if you want to get into Twitter crowd's mentality that can't differentiate between reality and fiction). Invites little chuckle, "oh Al make sense you're neurodivergent". Then, I put the mirror back to me.
Is that saying something about me?
Since he's originated from my thoughts, am I ?????? autistic too???
Well in my childhood someone had accused me once. In middle school, I was bullied exactly with this calling. Then through online, I had been asked "have you considered that you're autistic?" Ehmm.. Very sensitive topic for me?? Mental health label started to be popular few years ago.. or maybe a decade, then I'm already old. Similar to many aspect in life—whether it's religion or gender theory—I don't bite the bullet blindly. I dislike self-diagnose if the intention is to fit in quirky crowd. In OC creator world too, forced diversity is also big no no.
What I'm gonna do with this information? Dunno. Continue my maladaptive daydreaming, perhaps.