At least I create a landing page. Still simple as hell. Well, it suffices. Also, I was quickly grabbing available Tumblr theme and modify the css.. slightly. For Toyhouse, coding without CSS and relying only on HTML style is a hell of its own. I would need to think a bit how will I arrange the layout. Could go for full Altair/Dirga theme, but… sigh. That means I need to draw. Myeah.
Life? Apathetic, still. Yesterday I was thinking about quitting my day job, but today I felt drastically calmer. Numb. I realized that mostly I’m getting paid for my time, wasting good amount of the day idling. If I’m unemployed, then I won’t get paid for being lazy either. At this moment, I go full gray rock mode and disengaged with everyone irl.
I wonder, how long I can stay in this situation. Alas, I will try my best for getting myself out there. I miss my old communities (read: Discord servers), but there’s no guarantee I can return and be fine. My fatal flaw is I care too much about things, yeayea.
Mood: melancholy.
Blog post in Monday? Well.
First and foremost: I actually reset my goddamn X (Previously Twitter) account’s password. For few months, the Google log-in option has been broken, so I have reason to avoid this hellsite. To my surprise, they changed profile UI?? Like, reposts finally has its own independent tab, massive win in my opinion. I can repost fanarts without worrying my own post getting buried.. Yet, social media corporation being tone deaf as usual, Media tab shows videos by default, so in order to see the photos you need few more clicks. Stop trying to tap into TikTok’s niche.
As for yesterday’s vent, I feel a lot better after going out with my friend. The motivation for Art Grind comes back. Yeah I expect my drawings to be flop, but.. a price to pay if I want to escape this tiring life? My future self, if you stumble upon this, remember: “Idiot in move is better than genius in rest”. We’re that idiot, okay?
One thing I want to implement in this site but not yet achieved is… making a landing page. Carrd-esque front page with links to various hellsite owned by me, also brief introduction to my OCs like “they’re akin to sandbox character”. …Might need to dedicate time onto it although just arranging buttons.
This week… amazing (sarcasm). I’ve been somewhat depressed since last week, thankfully Distro-hopping distracted me. Now, hollowness swallowed me and I don’t want to do anything. Sanity -45 in Limbus, that’s how the morale in my workplace would be.
(Thankfully my friend asked me out so, … guess I’m not dwelling in gloom today)
I need reliable income source aside from the one I have right now. Community too, yeah. Unfortunately I can’t tolerate most online users, so not joining any community is in favor with my mental health. Dunno if I care too much or.. self-sabotage, or … I’m afraid of taking up space? (A buzzword nowadays).
I’m thinking about what kind of change I desire for next 5 years, because no way I’m trapped in this hell hole. If I say art commission, mostly due sunk cost fallacy. Why I kept insisting in walking down art career path? I already experienced the non-rose-tinted-glass side of freelance hustle, doubt I can survive purely from there. Yet why I kept beating myself for not pursuing art in my free time? Even if art won’t be the reliable and stable source of income, what else the option I have?
Lacking goal is eerie. Yeah, rest is necessary, and so doing things you want, so the resentment in your heart due work taking up large portion of your time won’t be fanned. I hate the fact that whenever I come home from work, my energy is completely depleted despite not doing something significant. What is even “ideal life” according to subconscious thoughts, as sitting down for drawing is something I hate too. “Wasting time”. Insecurity about money might be another issue disguises as constant chase of the material world.
In the end, I loathe everything. Still griefing, this year has taking too much from me.. and September in particular, but the ninth month has always been the funky unlucky month in my life. The moment when I question whether I can survive the life collapsing before my own eyes. If my primary goal is not money, then I would exile myself from society. Or, Canto X’s R+R would be better (you know the reference if you already play the game). I am too weak for the world. Survival bias yeah, let my kind be banished by food chain.
Saturday update. For past few days, I was taking my shot and trying to install Linux, since everyone says “Windows shucks, glad I moved to Linux”. I held onto my Windows 10 for so long because of too afraid of data loss (happened once). Initially I wanted dual boot although my boyfriend advised against it. Then, I was being stupid and ended up wiped the entire disk containing Windows… good riddance? So, plunging into Distro hopping frenzy. Always find new issue with each ones.
So like, the distros I tried were Fedora 44 KDE Plasma, Pop!_OS COSMIC, and… Nobara Official, which also KDE. The problem was: 1) I use CSP for work, even if I had succeed running with Bottles, it is completely different experience with stutters and less flexibility. 2) I have weird monitor setup, which I use both LG Monitor (supposedly using HDMI cable, but since my laptop only has one port so I bought VGA cable instead) and Huion Kamvas 13. Even when Huion driver successfully installed with .deb, it won’t recognize the boundaries of screen, I can’t use practical shortcut like pointer’s position instant monitor switching. Also… audio crackling? Nobara was almost fine until I encountered that. In the end, I grabbed Windows 11 IoT LTSC from massgrave.dev.
Seriously, it feels like you’ve been dreaming about moving out your childhood house but then you realized about taking things for granted. Yeah Microslop is bloated, but the drivers are working fine (maybe because I use old ass Acer Aspire laptop with Hybrid Intel-NVIDIA thingy). My laptop runs smoother, thanks to new install. People can call me loser for going back to Windows, I don’t care lmao. What’s important, I learned so many things in short span of days.
WINTAB. STAY IN WINDOWS IF YOU NEED WINTAB.
I had trouble with domain, hence I’m not updating the site. Today I bring my laptop to school, to configure the domain but apparently things had already fixed since I added CNAME? At first, I added A and AAAA, but it displayed warning about security issue and “stealing your credential”. Thankfully it seems not the case anymore.
Updates: Fixing mobile viewport, adding back “Fanart” category. At first, I wanted to host the images to imgBB, but apparently it loads so slow, so back to placing the imgs in repository… and compress it locally. yeah. What a sad life for artists who wants to show off the high resolution files.
I’m moving from Bearblog to… using Jekyll. Thanks for the experience, I guess?
“Why are you back to VSCode again?” uh. I know, it’s not practical for uploading images, but.. still, I typed my weekly update on big monitor anyway (bitter laugh). If only there’s quick access to upload .md from phone.
I feel sense of fatigue from all worrying about discovery and stuff.